Why self-loathing gay men are hard to date?

If you know about yourself that you are gay and if you have been dating people of the same sex, since your childhood, you undoubtedly know how it feels like coming out when the people whom you slept with, act completely straight without accepting the fact of their sexual orientations and remain shut themselves behind the closet doors forever. It's not painful but one can't digest when one's, one-time ex-fling or ex-boyfriend or ex-sex partner behaves as if he is straight and has nothing to do with homosexual encounters. Yes, this is how it feels like dating a self-loathing gay man. You can't embrace yourself, and you can't appreciate the relationship.




Self-loathers are one of the categories of gay men; one shouldn't consider investing emotions or having a romantic committed relationship. When you can't accept yourself the way you are, then you can't accept other people too. This is what happens with most of the bisexual men and a few homosexual men who don't want to label themselves as gays and feel extremely offensive if they even get a small doubt that others might consider them as gay!




Not every closeted homosexual person is a self-loathing gay man. Many gays in the queer community attend pride parades with masquerades on or get into some disguised looks to appreciate their orientation and contribute their voices to fight against the odds. They don't hate themselves for being gay; they just don't want to come out because of various personal issues. Closeted gay men who don't hate themselves for being gay and who are open to other gay men are far more respectable than the self-loathing gay crowd.




If you date a self-loathing gay man or if you, unfortunately, got into a relationship with one; then


  • You can never introduce him as your boyfriend to any person and he never accepts relating to you personally or romantically.

  • He always forces you to be someone and urges you, not only his orientation but also yours too.

  • He never allows you to mingle up with other gay crowd and he always tries to joke about the typical patterns of the gay community even though he knows he is wrong.

  • He always tries hard, proving his sexual or romantic encounters with heterosexual women, just to fuel his alter-ego and to suppress his homosexual personality.

  • He never holds your hand in public, and getting intimately close in public is too much. Strictly no Public display of affection.



  • You remain as his "just friend" to all his family, friends, and colleagues.

  • Join the typical heterosexual crowd in demeaning the queer community and all the other orientations and gender identities.

  • He always tries to stay low because he fears rising and showing his face, especially in every gay context.

  • He is extremely conscious of his appearance and constantly tries to disguise his emotions and typical gay behavior. (According to him all gays are effeminate)

  • He never leaves an opportunity to showcase himself as a strictly heterosexual man and build up a body that reflects a straight man's personality.



Do you think it's worth being with a person who is full of hatred of being himself and who can't accept his orientation? If you are a person with the utmost patience levels and have extreme confidence in transforming your guy, then you can try being with a self-loathing gay man. But you surely fail at one point, especially when it comes to choosing between you and his safely disguised world.


You can change a person who wants to change and can encourage a person who tries hard to come out of the closet by declaring himself as gay but you can never change a person who hates the concept of being gay and who can't stand the presence of other gay men around. Self-loathing homosexual men never accept the idea of being gay physically, emotionally, and in every possible way. It's just they have sex with other men out of no choice as they only get attracted to a man's vibe.




Even though he manages to have sex or manages to make love with the person whom he loves the most, he always feels guilty after climaxing, and somewhere down the corner may consider it as a sinful act too. A self-loathing person can't escape one's attractions, but at the same time feel bad about them. Being with a self-loathing gay man is like diving into the pool of confusion and you can never reach the brink of clarity.


Self-acceptance is the only way for a self-loathing gay man to come out of his fears, confusion, and frustration. So, regrettably, if you are a gay man who doesn't like being gay, then you need to accept it by appreciating and embracing it for the sake of yourself. If not, life becomes harder for you.