Complex, complicated and cumbersome, are the words to describe the con side of the gay dating scenario. Unfortunately, it's the bitter truth, unlike the gay love stories that are depicted in movies with two handsome guys who fall in love, have sex, get engaged, and live happily ever after by involving families and friends. As one would expect, fairy tale gay romances do happen but in a very rare phenomenon because most gay men are unstable, fluctuating, and deviating all the time regarding their dating lifestyle situations. Even though there are many reasons for the gay dating scenario to be conditioned as unstable, one particular reason stands out the most in terms of both personal and psychological spectrums.
It is effortless to fall in love with someone in the gay community, but it is equally strenuous to be in love with that particular someone forever and ever. You may feel it is demotivating, but the fact is, people from this current generation celebrate more breakups than relationships. Comparatively heterosexual couples stay intact with their relationships more than homosexual couples and sometimes the reason is not the availability of too many homosexual men in this world, it is the 'coming-out' situations of those gay men.
The levels of outness vary from being out & proud, being partially open to being completely restricted & closeted. It goes without saying, every person regardless of orientation and identity has a reason to open up to society in terms of leading one's life according to one's terms without giving a damn or allowing people's opinions to rule one's lifestyle. But sometimes love happens without the consideration of practicality but when the realization hits every factor comes into the picture, just to ruin the relationship between two people, sometimes for good.
If you are open to your family, friends, and society about your sexual orientation, gender identity, sex role, passionate likes, and sensual preferences, you have nothing to hide from anyone. Indeed, your choices speak for yourself, and people by default understand and get along with them without dropping their judgmental jaws at you. Everything becomes normal, everyone considers you as you and every factor justify your queer personality be it at home, at your workplace, or any spot you visit that glorifies your queer perspective. In simpler terms, life becomes pretty flowy and you know how to overcome obstacles without getting stuck.
If you are, partially open, for instance only to a particular set of people like other gay pals, your best friends, cousins, and close family members, then things become quite rigid in a few places and you end up restricting your queer personality by toning it down, almost acting like someone who can easily blend in with the heteronormative society. But in some situations especially when you are around other gay men, queer people, and the people who accept you the way you are by allowing you to live the most of your life, you become boundless and explore your true queer personality by appreciating queer culture.
If you are that gay man who entirely lives your queer life in a discreet mode and only explores your queer side in closets and closed spaces, then you force yourself to lead two different lifestyles; one that befits a typical heterosexual life and two that cherishes your queer orientation and identity. You always ought to incline towards the restrictive extreme of your life where rigidity becomes your normality in terms of your queer personality.
When two people fall in love without discussing these various levels of outness regarding their queerness, things become pretty critical after crossing the honeymoon phase of dating and while entering the significant phase of the relationship because when a couple can't even announce themselves as a couple to the world out there, what's the point in forming a bond and leading a life together? The world doesn't need to know about two people's personal romantic life but the near and dear of the couple should know what they are and what's the relationship, that exists between the two people who are romantically involved.
Many gay couples overlook this particular perspective during the initial stages of dating under the name of physical and emotional intimacy but when one of them gets to observe the restrictive nature of the relationship because of one's partner's closeted status, feelings start to wither and practicality starts to hit right in the face. Two opposites attract for sure, but in terms of the queer community, two gay people with opposite extremes of outness repel one day.
Some people promise to come out to survive the relationship but they fail when the real-life situations become tougher and they can't stand for their happiness and satisfaction. At this point, these people tend to force their partners to act according to heteronormative terms which is a flawed approach in dating. When in love, a person, must always give utmost freedom to one's partner and never restrict. So it is important to choose your dating partner wisely which befits your level of outness accordingly. Don't involve the rule of opposite attracts, especially in this scenario.
This is the exact reason why levels of outness matter the most in gay dating and also why many couples fall apart specifically the ones who overlook this closeted status aspect and the outness perspective.