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Things to remember while coming out to parents as queer!

There are no particular age criteria for any queer person to come out as open from being closeted and it is always considered one of the crucial yet intense decisions by any person from the queer community because the whole perspective of how others see changes, sometimes good and unfortunately sometimes bad too but coming out is inevitably a good decision even though some bad consequences and complications remain inescapable. Some people come out open to society first and then slowly open up themselves to near and dear. No matter how strong a person is, coming out to one's parents as queer is an emotional task and one must evaluate too many things before pulling together to express one's identity and orientation, especially when they are against typical gender norms and sexual preferences.

If you are open then, you must already be knowing what it took for you to come out as a queer person to your parents. If you are open and didn't get accepted by your parents yet, then you must be still struggling to convince them. If you are closeted then, you must be in a deep dilemma about whether to come out or not. Parents are the most constant relation for any person regardless of how far they are and no matter how bad the rapport is. Hence, any queer person needs to remember a few things before coming out while coming out and even after coming out as a queer person.

  • Don't think that every coming-out story would end up in tragedy and disappointment. Some can be celebrated and appreciated too. So, don't assume the result without even testing the waters. But you must be cautious enough regarding the unforeseen consequences. Be confident enough to declare what you are instead of sounding confused, disgusted and embarrassed. If you sound low about your identity, then how can you expect your parents to feel comfortable, safe and confident about you?

  • Don't get succumbed to peer pressure or get along with people's influences around. Analyse the possibilities before coming out just because other people force you to, most importantly it is always good to consider how your parents react. Accordingly, try to develop the process easier by giving hints about your likes and preferences instead of directly telling them you are gay after attending a crazy queer party or an inspiring queer workshop. Be calm and act smart.

  • If your identity is quite evident with your postures and gestures (if you are effeminate enough or masculine enough which remains moderately different compared to typical heterosexual behaviour) then you don't have to stress about it much. Always remember, your personality is more than your feminine or masculine behaviour and they are your parents, they must be observed those traits in you by now.

  • Speaking of it, don't think that your parents are dumb regardless of their social exposure or education or awareness. They are aware of almost everything; it's just some parents don't want to accept some notions in society and they act stubborn enough. So, to take them out of such restrictive behaviour, you need to be intelligent enough to stand for yourself with proper instances, examples, and relatable situations in and around your life. This undoubtedly urges your parents to believe that you appreciate what you are. In simpler words, prepare to present your queer personality.

  • If you are planning to come out directly as a queer person by expressing your love towards another queer person (same-sex love) then you must be prepared to face the reactions double the expected. For some parents, it is way too much to even imagine especially the ones who belong to conservative families, country backgrounds, who are extremely religious enough, who are well-known, well-connected and well-established in society who only thinks about their social status and prestige more than your love preferences and desires. Regrettably, some parents indeed think being queer is a disease, being haunted or being badly influenced or simply a phase of teenage attractions.

  • Well, if you belong to such families, don't think that it is an impossible task for you to come out. Even the severest difficulties obtain more simplistic solutions. Here, you need to utilize all your knowledge regarding society, culture, religion, the modern era, and the most moral feeling of love to support your queer personality. Yes, being queer is normal and if you look around you can uncover hundreds of stories that make your identity and orientation feel pretty normal when you know how to employ them to let your parents understand without affecting their peace of mind.

  • Always consider your parents' health issues, moods and surrounding while announcing your true identity because you feel extremely guilty if something unexpected happens if you come out at the wrong time. Accordingly, make sure you find the exact right time when your parents are physically and mentally fine.

  • Don't be aggressive if you are a rebellious person. Understandably, you don't give a damn about the present and do whatever comes to your mind but hang on for a moment to examine the consequences. If you are well-planned to handle any kind of complication, then you are good to go but maintain some decent decorum while coming out instead of screaming and shouting. Display your confidence in engaging your parents to understand you, not treat you like a deranged person who requires therapy.

  • If not both at least come out to either of your parents. Mothers are emotional and more understanding whereas fathers take some time to digest the fact and they need logic for everything, unlike mothers who believe in magic. This is a typical scenario but it is consistently best to come out to that parent to whom you are close enough to say anything under the sky. Always remember, never use emotions as weapons to gain support from your parents because that won't work in long run.

  • Even though they react extremely opposite to what you expect, especially in an undesirable way, don't conclude it as the result. Give some time for them to think, settle, question themselves, find answers, talk to you, share their opinions, and make you listen to them (even if they know your queer personality can't be compromised). Just give them some space to analyse and accept you like the way how you took to analyse and accept yourself before coming out as a proud queer person. Hence, instead of taking rapid silly decisions that affect your life and the ones who love you unconditionally right after facing the unexpected result, always take and give some space for things to unfold. After all, they are the people who gave birth to you and they accept you as you regardless of your identity and orientation!


Drafted this blog after conducting a recent survey on my social media accounts to know about people regarding their choices of coming out and no one has chosen parents as the option. Don't you think they must be the ones who should know what you are more than anyone else?

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