This is not just a question, but indeed a microaggressive expression thrown at all the homosexual couples by the people in and around the queer community. Though the question seems quite inoffensive, the opinion behind the question straightly criticizes the concept of homosexuality. Of course, we shouldn't read between the lines and dig for the inner meaning of a particular phrase, but some questions must be seen under binocular vision so that you can perceive what the other person wanted to ask you.
Homosexuality is an orientation where two same-sex males or females get into an emotional or physical or sexual bond to exhibit their like, lust, love, and affection towards each other. It has nothing to do with heterosexuality and should never be compared or mingled with its concept. But a very few people comprehend this difference between these two diverse orientations. When you see a straight couple, you obviously can say that the bond is made out of male energy and female energy. So, it is easy for a person to identify the man and the woman in a particular heterosexual relationship. Do you think, that people must apply the same rule for homosexuality too?
It's completely inappropriate if you expect a homosexual couple to work out their relationship the same way as a heterosexual couple. Unfortunately, people don't get it, and they still look for specific male energy in gay couples and lesbian couples. Is it that important for you to know who's who in a relationship? Is it necessary that a particular couple has to have a man figure in a relationship?
This specific question is commonly raised by everyone (including people from the queer community) to every homosexual couple as people are curious about who takes up the charge of being a man in a relationship. It's insane to search for a man in a lesbian couple, and it's utter foolishness to ask two males regarding who plays a typical man role in same-sex relationships. Lesbian couples are made out of two females, and you can never find a man in that bond. Gay couples are made out of two males, and you can see two men in that bond!
People pose this particular question to bully the concept of homosexuality and to consistently remind that heterosexuality is the intrinsic orientation to which everyone must look up to. This is the slightest yet intense microaggression towards same-sex couples and also to the queer community. Effeminate gays are never treated as men just because they have an extra feather of conveying a feminine personality through them. Tough looking lesbians are always treated as typical males because of their manly personalities. But no matter what, their gender identities remain the same, aren't they? A male is always a male, and a female is always a female, until and unless one likes to get transitioned to the opposite gender.
Now, don't you think the question seems completely irrelevant to ask any homosexual couple? It is all about expecting a same-sex couple to flourish their relationship as a straight couple. Though most of us belong to the queer community, we gays and lesbians still ask this question to our fellow couples to know the role of a particular person in a couple. We are committing a blunder, indeed. Why can't we just consider a person as a person instead of labeling him or her under the norms of heterosexuality? This microaggression can be expected from the outsiders and not from the people from the queer community. It's high time for us to think about it and react towards it.
There is no rule that every gay top must be considered as a man in a relationship. Just because a person penetrates other people sexually in a relationship, doesn't mean he or she must take up the role of a man. It is plain stupidity. Maintain sexual roles but never compare with heterosexual roles because that's meaningless. Not all tough looking people are tagged as men and not all sensitive people are tagged as women in homosexual couples.
If you represent a same-sex couple, you maintain the same role regardless of your behavioral patterns, appearances, and sexual preferences. Two gays are two men and two lesbians are two women. Don't make it complicated by peeping into this simple equation of homosexuality. Next time, if someone asks you "who's the man in the relationship?", don't answer them. Because if you do, you contradict your orientation and encourage microaggression towards the LGBT community. Just ignore them by posing a question back. Ask them to find out. Simple!